From Broke to Hope

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Fawking Pity Party

Everything in this bag is garbage and I know I shouldn’t be eating any of it!  But I’m having a full on pity party, started two days ago!  I understand now that feeling of not only being able to control eating but even more importantly not caring! I’m not overweight YET, but eating this shit is going to help that YET situation.  So I’m not sure what this pity party is about but all I know is I’m sitting outside by myself and its gorgeous out! I do cherish my quiet time, but somedays being alone is for the pits! I have a phone book full of gentlemen that I could call but ehhhhhh some if not most of them aren’t worth the hassle! And I’m not good at faking fun! I’m not sure if this pity party is man related, or just the holiday blues but what ever it is I’m gonna ride it out! !!!

That’s strange

I was watching a television show today, and I noticed a womans ring on her hand it was on the right hand. I instantly began to think to myself, Is she married? Is she wearing her ring on the correct finger? Wait I don’t remember what hand you wear a wedding ring on. I find that oddly strange, because sometime ago I was married, I remember that much because I spent right smart of my money doing so. Why don’t I remember what hand you wear your wedding ring on. Truth be told I don’t even remember much about that day. It is as if my heart decided to scrub my mind of the entire damn event. I did have a faint memory jog the other day, because the anniversary would have been two days ago. July 2, I remembered that much. All the beautiful details that I spent months and days pinning over, all erased from my mind, gone. My father walking me down the aisle, gone, my father dancing with me gone. The dance with him, gone. Maybe one day those memories will come back, but truth be told I don’t want them to. Sometime ago I was trying so hard to forget all those awful memories, I guess all that wishing finally came true. I know that those memories are there, buried like a treasure only in this case no one is searching for this treasure not even me. Maybe its worth it that I forget. I just find it kind of strange, that I don’t even care to remember.

Trying hard to remember, to forget!

forget
I don’t have any difficulties with forgetting birthdays!
No difficulties with forgetting to change my oil!
No problem with forgetting to pay some miscellaneous bill!
No problem forgetting to take the trash out before work!
Hell, no problem forgetting my lunch at home!
But I am having difficulties forgetting the love I want! Somebody give me instructions on how to do that! Do I leave post-its all over my house telling me to forget him, forget how I love to touch him, love to look at his freckles, love to hear him say my name with his awful but cute lisp. Any ideas on Pintrest? Nobody blogging about this? No answers? Figures!
Forget how he makes me feel every bit of women I am! Forget how he makes me betray my good senses; forget how he makes me think that together we could take the world by storm! Still no answers?
Would it be easier to take an eraser and get to erasing? Probably not! I would still have the images burned in my mind, like a forever tatoo! Forget how he looks at me when he sells me the future, even though he is not sold on right now. Forget how I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, forget how I want him right now! Forget how this could just be all in my mind, forget how he told me he loved me! Forget that it could not possibly be just in my mind!
STILL NO ONE HAS ANY ANSWERS????
Well until then,I will be working on it, working hard to remember how to forget!

You Dayum Thief!

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Something stole my words!
Someone stole my words!
I have never had my words stolen before, never had the inability to be verbose, never had the opportunity to not say anything, but today I write with something to say but I can’t find the words. Wait…..I think I remember what happened! Bad News called my phone one night with a whole lot of shit to say and things just haven’t been the same. Bad News started saying things about my father that I absolutely refused to believe, he told me that he was ill, I couldn’t believe what he was saying, but I think this is who is responsible for my lost words. I really don’t like Bad News, he never comes at the right time, he never says the right things, he always calls at some God forsaken hour, and Lord knows he never even tries to do the right thing. Bad News has the absolute worst reputation and is known to be the most rogues, and yet no one has protested about Bad News, no one has written the President, no one is doing anything about Bad News at all. It’s as if he is unstoppable! Maybe he is unstoppable?
I wonder what would happen if Bad News got a call from Good News? Ha, that would be interesting! I would hope that Good News, mopped the floor with Bad News, showed him a thing or two, but not without telling Good News to watch out, because that damn Bad News is a slick one, he jumps out of the corner when you least expect it.
But as to my plight, I just want my words back, I want to have something to say again, something to write again, some way to find the thoughts that I know I have and make them come alive again. I don’t want to become like Bad News always having the worst things to say, maybe Bad News was a victim as well, because if all you have to spew is bad stuff, then surely all of your good words must have been stolen too.
So Bad News enough already! Don’t you want to feel good again? Don’t you want to have something great to say? Something great to do? Maybe one day Good News will come to you, change the way you operate. Good News is always right on time, he will come at the right time, and he will definitely do the right thing and most of all Bad News you damn thief, Good News will give me back the words you stole from me those good words I need so desperately.

Todays Topic is about you!

602-01085390Most, if not all of us have participated in some form of gossip. Very rarely is gossip not about someones downfall, shortcomings, mishaps and wrong doings. If at any point in time something good is happening and someone shares it, it typically does not qualify as gossip. No one ever takes the time to share positive information it has no appeal and quite frankly no one cares about good news unless it’s about a baby and even the sharing of that can get dicey.

Well what if todays hot topic was about you. Does the information become less attractive because you are the one being talked about. Do you say things like, ” I wish people would mind their business,” and “what I do has no effect on anyone elses life.”! It makes you wonder how you could have taken the opportunity to not further discuss someones situation with such intensity, not thinking that the current situation at hand could be difficult to deal with as is, without you making it worse. At some point in time this year, I was the hot topic of discussion for the day. I managed to keep my head high during this time of gossiper exile, the stories would die down soon, some gossip dies down quicker than others, but my drama was juicy. I’m sure it rises every once and again, but at least the initial phase (shock) is over. That attribute of gossip is what always makes it so darn good, and makes it harder to go away.

My doomsday has been over for quite sometime now, but it has made me think twice before I engage in the exchange of the misery of others downfall.

Maybe today is your day to be talked about, remember no one is safe. But hold your head up high and bare the sting of repeated words, and smile for your gossipers! Today is your day! Revel in it because tomorrow will be their turn to shine.

The Cry heard around the World

ImageToday was a sad day,  filled with a cry I’m sure that was heard around the world! There was a mass assisted suicide, committed right here in the United States of America, right under the auspices of the NYPD, FBI, and the CIA. Jack Kevorkian pales in comparison to this little known Mademoiselle of Death, to date her count in one swoop towers over the numbers he lead into “the light”!

Those listed amongst the dead: Neiman Marcus, Macy’s, Nordstroms, Visa, Best Buy, J.C Penny, Bloomingdales, Kmart, and Lord & Taylor. The only remaining survivor was Target. Rationale as to why is unknown.

The assisted mass suicide, wasn’t because of a rumored Armageddon, it wasn’t to perfect a specific race, nor was it because those folks loved their fearless leader, but more so it was to rid this writer of debt. Yes, I am the Mademoiselle of Death! Today I cut up all of my credit cards, it was sad, but liberating at the same time. At the onset of this blog I took a picture of my savings from a cut open water gallon. It really was representative of my savings which remains to be a really sad state of affairs.  But I promised myself to never live check to check again, and killing off all the major players in my wallet was definitely warranted. I remember watching an episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel-air” in which the father cuts up all the daughters beloved credit cards, she was emotionally distraught. I thought this scene was funny and silly then, but today I literally had a small tear form in the corner of both of my eyes while cutting up my cards. Probably would have made for a really great picture. 

With these folks out of my life, I think I can reach the top again. I can pay my bills monthly with a little extra at the end of the month, to do something fun again. I have been under the gun so long, I forgot what it feels like to pay all my bills without robbing Peter to pay Paul, and then having to go back and rob Paul to pay somebody else. This bill thing has gotten out of control, I must reign it in. Until then I have to live by the motto, “If I don’t have it, I can’t have it”. Grown ups require discipline too!!!!  I am growing up everybody, I am growing up.

There will be a memorial service held on December 1, 2012 as I remember the debtors that I was once owed, anyone else needing to stand in memory of please feel free to join in.

Dude, Where’s my Care?

Oh the days of yore are gone!

I awoke this am to an astonishing fact, that my ability to care has slowly diminished! My father once said” a person whose response to life is always I don’t care, is a dangerous person”. I always took this to mean that one who throws caution to the wind at a whim, was dangerous to be around. I still believe this, however my care or lack thereof shall we say has reached an all time low. 

Throughout my life I have spent hours and days antagonizing over how one would feel if I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, or wore the wrong thing. But alas, I have awaken! Not that I intend to be the bitter bitch that I have described in previous posts, but I’m done with losing sleep over one someones feelings when I’m the one who in the end who does the most suffering.

My upbringing consisted of morals, values and tradition. I don’t want to lose any of those characteristics, because those characteristics make me the fantastic person I am when I am not ranting and raving. But, I was moved to write this because I took a stance for something that would benefit me, instead of someone else. And wouldn’t you know the person stopped talking to me. Now this speaking suspension could be for the moment or it could be forever. But, the nerve of you being upset because I said NO to something that was relative to my well being!  And imagine how moved I was when my overall response to this was” I don’t care”! I didn’t lose any sleep, no tossing no turning, no antagonizing, nothing I was literally okay with my decision. So you ask why are you writing about it? Well its therapeutic, and I am proud of me. You see this blog is about my transition! It will chronicle my growth back to *okayedness! Hopefully caring will be somewhere in the mix of things, but right now I’m truly just tired of giving a (expletive)!

My ability to care overwhelming in the past has gotten me into trouble. It has caused me to care about the wrong people, it has caused me to fight when I didn’t have to, hell caring caused me to doubt who the hell I was. Sounds insane right well it’s what happens when caring goes wrong (ha I made a funny)! But all jokes aside, to much of anything can be dangerous.  So in my quest for okayedness, I must find the right balance of caring, but today I don’t have that balance and truth be told I just don’t give a (expletive). Judge if you must!!!!!

I finally made MY feelings MY responsibility! I suggest you do the same!

But in the mean time, Dude, Where’s my Care?

*okayedness- the ability or the state of being okay with one’s self!

It’s my Affliction, Their my Addiction

Image Typically when one thinks of an addiction, the first thought that comes to mind is the use of any intoxicating substance that can be inhaled, injected, digested, or smoked. These substances are reportedly illegal, and the justice system has designed a whole task force to engage in a “war on drugs”, to rid our society of such ills. There is obvious concern, the use of these substances can alter one’s life to the point of destruction. So caution to not use them always hang in the balance. 

I reviewed this business about addiction this am, and realized that I too am an addict. Addicted to probably the worse drug that has ever existed. To be truthful, I have had a couple of bad reactions, but my need for this particular drug never ceases to desist. I crave it, I want it, like any junkie I need it bad.

I remember my first time getting high, most of us probably remember that first time like any junkie, we all strive to get a high like the first time, we keep using and using and eventually you become an addict attempting to get higher and higher every time.

First, I inhale, the inhalation is never twice the same, but just as intoxicating each time, it has the ability to linger around even after the after, next its to be digested, this process can be just as intoxicating as inhalation, but it depends on how you digest it, sometimes you can control it, but never let it control you, and at last is the injection. Usually the best part about this drug, sometimes you get a bad batch, but you can always make the most of it, you junkies know what I mean. 

You see this blog entry isn’t about sex, but rather the opposite sex. My addiction is MEN, I love the broad shoulders, the wide chests, the chiseled chins, the big hands, sometimes long or short fingers, the hard but soft caress, the manly but graceful walk, the ever famous triangle …….ahhh I can go on and on.But, I’m sure you understand. My best drug use is always when I get a good supplier, it takes me to worlds unimaginable, I soar high above the clouds, things make sense where they made none before. World peace exists when there is chaos all around you, sometimes the feeling is fleeting, but who ignores a good high when you have one. Your only goal now is the next best high. Now you’re hooked, there’s no turning back.

Now, don’t be fooled, my drug use has definitely had its way with me, this last trip was a bad trip for sure, but all that means is I have to find a different supplier. The drug I want, I want in it’s purest form, no weak stuff, no stand in for the good stuff, no “use this” instead of “that”, none of that “get high by any means necessary”. I am faithful to my drug, it was made just for me. It doesn’t mean I’m weak, It just means that I have a vice, and my love for it will not change, I’m a realist, willing to admit my supposed faults, don’t judge me.

” It’s my Affliction, Their my Addiction”. 

 

UNFRIEND

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Sometime ago I gave the social networking site Facebook a break, it was around the same time I decided to give my marriage a break! At that time I had 556 friends and that included my husband! At that time I considered him a friend, a different kind of friend than a facebook friend obviously, but a friend nonetheless.

My very first blog disclosed that instead of planning for my 1st yr anniversary, I would be planning for a divorce. Obviously not one of my highlights! The anniversary day has come and gone, but with anticipation of somberness and that it was! This day was impacted by the sudden illness of my father and facebook friend #556 (i.e the husband) decided to have me served with divorce papers at the hospital where my father laid ill. I was filled with so many emotions, not upset about being served, but rather angered at the audacity of serving me while I’m dealing with such a pressing issue as my fathers illness. And in case you’re asking yes, friend #556 knew my dad had fallen ill. One thing I can give him credit for is his endless ability to make any situation worse, and this was one of those times!

Today, I chose the title Unfriend, (only a real word in Facebook world), because I logged in after a 6 months hiatus and unfriended #556. I had much purpose of logging in, and I didn’t want the joy of my return to be ruined! So I unfriended him, with a sort of vindication. The process was much deserved however, because he has done so many things that FRIENDS just don’t do! Friend- the title that one should bear first if you are a lover of a wife, a husband, a sister, a brother, basically any person of an intimate nature. So isn’t it befitting to unfriend someone when they violate the first rule of friendship which is love? When you take something so free, so unending and attempt to trap it like a firefly, isn’t severance the best solution? I think so! It’s funny because I don’t think #556, understands what it means to be a friend, or even what it means to have a true friend! So it baffles me when I think about how I entered contractually with him emotionally and legally! I don’t remember there being a shotgun at the wedding!

Either way today was a cyber world unfriending! A millisecond was all it took! Unfortunately, the legal unfriending will take a little bit longer! I never thought I would be brought to such thoughts, but both processes are well deserved!

#556 you have been unfriended!

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Bitter Bi%£¥* Brew

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I recently had the opportunity to try a new drink at first it wasn’t a favorite, but the truth in the matter is, the drink was like eating your favorite chips, having one just isn’t enough. Actually once you have a sip of the Bitter Bitches Brew, it’s hard to put the drink down, everything in your soul tells you to move on to something else, but you sip and sip and now you’re drunk.

Here is the recipe

Some of your recipes may vary, but here are the basic ingredients!

 

1- Part a**hole

1- Part decent girl

1- Sprinkle of dopamine

1- Night of unbridled passion 

1- Big azz wedding or Justice of Peace ceremony

1-  Big azz mis-understanding, infidelity or empty pockets (which ever suites   your taste

1- Pinch of reality

1- 12 oz glass of tears

Mix ingredients well

 Allow 2-3 yrs to simmer

Broil for 3-6 months, allow concoction to bubble over into your work life, into your children and family life, if your concoction is now green, frothy and tastes bitter-sweet, your brew is now ready to drink.

Disclaimer

There will be an absolute  inability to drink the  Bitter Bitches Brew responsibly and without consequence,  it may cause you to distrust, mistreat and push away any new person in your life. The ability to have fun is no longer an option, moping and sadness will definitely ensue. And forget who you were because you will now be known as a Bitter Bitch amongst, co-workers, family and friends. But its okay because the Bitter Bitches Brew is  tasty, addictive and it warms you late at night.  So a toast to you ladies out there, my cup runneth over, I know yours does too.

 

Enjoy or Put your cup down

 

 

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