Oh the days of yore are gone!
I awoke this am to an astonishing fact, that my ability to care has slowly diminished! My father once said” a person whose response to life is always I don’t care, is a dangerous person”. I always took this to mean that one who throws caution to the wind at a whim, was dangerous to be around. I still believe this, however my care or lack thereof shall we say has reached an all time low.
Throughout my life I have spent hours and days antagonizing over how one would feel if I said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, or wore the wrong thing. But alas, I have awaken! Not that I intend to be the bitter bitch that I have described in previous posts, but I’m done with losing sleep over one someones feelings when I’m the one who in the end who does the most suffering.
My upbringing consisted of morals, values and tradition. I don’t want to lose any of those characteristics, because those characteristics make me the fantastic person I am when I am not ranting and raving. But, I was moved to write this because I took a stance for something that would benefit me, instead of someone else. And wouldn’t you know the person stopped talking to me. Now this speaking suspension could be for the moment or it could be forever. But, the nerve of you being upset because I said NO to something that was relative to my well being! And imagine how moved I was when my overall response to this was” I don’t care”! I didn’t lose any sleep, no tossing no turning, no antagonizing, nothing I was literally okay with my decision. So you ask why are you writing about it? Well its therapeutic, and I am proud of me. You see this blog is about my transition! It will chronicle my growth back to *okayedness! Hopefully caring will be somewhere in the mix of things, but right now I’m truly just tired of giving a (expletive)!
My ability to care overwhelming in the past has gotten me into trouble. It has caused me to care about the wrong people, it has caused me to fight when I didn’t have to, hell caring caused me to doubt who the hell I was. Sounds insane right well it’s what happens when caring goes wrong (ha I made a funny)! But all jokes aside, to much of anything can be dangerous. So in my quest for okayedness, I must find the right balance of caring, but today I don’t have that balance and truth be told I just don’t give a (expletive). Judge if you must!!!!!
I finally made MY feelings MY responsibility! I suggest you do the same!
But in the mean time, Dude, Where’s my Care?
*okayedness– the ability or the state of being okay with one’s self!